Not once in my life did I ever think, because it is hard to imagine for someone like me, that there will be a prolonged stage of inactivity in the cosmos of creativity because that is what my world is about.
For the longest period of time, I didn’t understand the blankness, with moments of epiphany frailed in letting me know who I really was, with flashes of memories. I was sinking deep into the never-never land. I didn’t have a solution to come out of that state of blankness and I thought, let’s just end this burden of life…being so vegetative in my state. The unpredictability through all of this was such a struggle and battling the outside noise, which pretty much grew into a hostile uproar, trying to shut and eclipse the ‘Real Me.’
I would look blankly at my 15-year-old gb&a acoustic guitar and only play ‘ode to joy’ at times and get propelled back into the black hole of nothingness, sitting there like time wouldn’t just pass.
Deep down in my subconscious mind, something was still awake through all of this. To the outside world, my life seemed bizarre, because nobody has the time to run deep, it only takes love to do that to someone.
That little-awakened something, stayed awakened all the time, and that was what made me want to explore like I used to, going back and forth on this madness through its nothingness. I wouldn’t do any of my artworks over a long period of time. Holding a HB pencil for more than 5 minutes hurt something in my spirit and I have half-made sketches and write-ups. so, I understood, my spirit is not ready for this, and music is what I binged on to, and feel good. For the longest of time, after experiencing blankness, I felt good. I felt.
It’s been a few months, no relapses. Maybe moments of mood swings, but no relapses what so ever. The miracle is I no more seem to enjoy death metal music, or sad, disturbing lyrics and can no more stand the very sound of them. I feel sad for Linkin Park, if only he had some spiritual help through his darkness, he’d live longer.
I understand his journey and every bit of melancholy and separateness, but I could battle it out, and wish he could too. I do not feel sad though I do reflect on too many things that I had no choice but deal with. I only wish people listen to some good music and see the better side of everything, and I did the same.
I do not have a reason to feel sorry for myself. I never did. My scathing experiences only encouraged me to be stronger than ever and not lose sight of all the good that God has given me and my life. I just cannot listen to sad music anymore. I have grown out of all the darkness surrounding me,,,because my focus has always been on that one ray of light, and I just kept looking at it till I got there.
I have been amongst those few ppl who had a gumption my true calling pretty early on in my life.
As a kid, being the studios one, one of the top rankers in my class, I was certain that films, designing, and music is what I am going to do and I did pursue regardless of conformist opposition, and all the evil that I have battled.
Art and music feed my soul like nothing else do through everything and nothingness.